Travel Quotes – Some Funny Inspiration!

There are heaps of lists around that talk about inspirational travel quotes that make one want to leave the office immediately and board a plane on the next destination. Usually, these travel quotes are pretty serious ones that are meant to make us feel so warm and fuzzy inside!

But I’ve put together a list of 100 funny and humourous travel quotes that don’t aim to make you inspired, but instead, hopefully they make you laugh. I had a good chuckle at these ones. I’ve even added a few of my own corny travel quotes since I’m a Z grade internet celebrity!

Anyway, here they are! Most of these are only funny because they are so close to the truth! Anyway, these travel quotes might let you lose a bit more productivity at work today!

Travel Quotes - 100 Funny Inspirations!

Travel Quotes with a Laugh!

  1. I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them – Mark Twain
  2. If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the relgion and avoid the people, you might better stay home

    James A. Michener

  3. It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.” – Douglas Adams
  4. In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children –

    Robert Benchley

  5. Without travel, I would have wound up a little ignorant white Southern female, which was not my idea of a good life – Lauren Hutton
  6. Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water –

    W. C. Fields

  7. This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating – George W. Bush
  8. Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen –

    Benjamin Disraeli

  9. Man who walks through airport door with erection is going to Bangkok – anonymous
  10. What time is it? Beer O’clock! – The Travel Tart
  11. Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left – George Clooney, Up In The Air

  12. Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport –

    Henny Youngman

  13. I think a major element of jetlag is psychological. Nobody ever tells me what time it is at home – David Attenborough
  14. It is not fit that every man should travel; it makes a wise man better, and a fool worse – William Hazlitt

  15. Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going – Paul Theroux
  16. The USA? Where’s that? – The Travel Tart’s Friend to someone from California (it was a joke!)
  17. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?- George Carlin
  18. You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful –

    Paul Theroux

  19. Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? – Erma Bombeck
  20. When I go on Japanese Airlines, I really love it because I like Japanese food – Phil Collins
  21. A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it – John Steinbeck
  22. Travel is glamorous only in retrospect – Paul Theroux
  23. When setting out on a photographic holiday, always provide yourself with two cameras, one to leave in the train going and the other to leave in the cab coming back –

    W.C.Sellar & R.J.Yeatman.

  24. My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I’m thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport – Dennis Miller
  25. People say there’s delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. “Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you’re home – Louis C.K.

  26. Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations – Elizabeth Drew
  27. I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list – Susan Sontag
  28. I never make a trip to the United States without visiting a supermarket. To me they are more fascinating than any fashion salon –

    Wallis Simpson (Wal Mart wasn’t around then!)

  29. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance – Anonymous
  30. Welcome to the cricket in India where the runs are flowing before a ball has even been bowled – The Twelfth Man
  31. Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror –

    Al Boliska

  32. I’m not a good tourist, I don’t like tourism — Joe Sacco
  33. (About street vendors in Egpyt) You can’t walk down here at all. It can’t be a short cut because you get stopped every few seconds.” [moves aside to let an elderly woman pass] “See? I bet she left the house when she was 10! – Karl Pilkington
  34. There are three trips you take to India: the one you think you’re going to have – that you plan for; the one you actually have; and the one you live through once you go back home

    Erin Reese

  35. The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff –

    Britney Spears

  36. The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist — Russell Baker
  37. My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is clearly an incurable disease involving flaking skin — Bill Bryson

  38. There is no budget for travel for a Shadow Foreign Secretary – William Hague
  39. You and I come by road or rail, but economists travel on infrastructure – Margaret Thatcher
  40. I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport – George W Bush.
  41. Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo – Al Gore
  42. Travel books are, by and large, boring. They lodge uncomfortably between fact, fiction and autobiography – Arthur Smith
  43. I travel around the world constantly promoting my projects and endorsing products. Yes, I do get paid to go to parties; in fact, I’m the person who started the whole trend of paid appearances. But when you see me at a party, I’m always working or promoting something – Paris Hilton
  44. Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don’t give a damn. You tell them, ‘Hey, I just got back from the motherland.’

    “They’re like, ‘Where’d you go — Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'” – Wanda Sykes, comedian

  45.  The one thing I regret was that my work required an enormous amount of my time, and a lot of travel – Neil Armstrong
  46. A travel book is about someone who goes somewhere, travels on the ground, sees something and spends quite a lot of time doing it, and has a hard time, and then comes back and writes about it. It’s not about inventing – Paul Theroux
  47. We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease – George W Bush
  48.  Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything – Charles Kuralt
  49. You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over – Lewis Black
  50. Michael Palin decided to give up on his considerable comedy talents to make those dreadfully tedious travel shows. Have you ever tried to watch one? –

    John Cleese

  51. Two great talkers will not travel far together –

    George Borrow

  52. The President’s political travel is going to get blamed (and probably rightly) for a share of this downturn –

    Robert Teeter

  53. Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind and I like to write standing up — Ernest Hemingway
  54. Now I know why they tell you to put your head between your knees on crash landings. You think you’re going to kiss your ass good-bye – Terry Hanson
  55. I can’t think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything – Bill Bryson
  56. The helicopter is a fine way to travel, but it induces a view of the world that only God and CEOs share on a regular basis –

    Morley Safer

  57. When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they’re like, ‘What do I do … I don’t really … ha-huh …’ Yeah, it’s the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time! –  Dane Cook
  58. This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed – George W Bush
  59. Travellers are just commuters with a wider perspective — William G Taylor

  60. Sure we’re in limos. We’re stars. How else is a star supposed to travel? – Deion Sanders
  61. I went backpacking through Europe and I met so many Australians and learned so much about Australian culture – Anonymous
  62. A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car

    – Emile Ganest

  63. Airline food is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane – Ellen DeGeneres,
  64. ‘Travel’ is the name of a modern disease which became rampant in the mid-fifties and is still spreading. The disease – its scientific name is travelitis furiosus – is carried by a germ called prosperity –

    George Mikes.

  65. What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. “Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. “What is it they think we will do? Turn ’em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes? – Jerry Seinfeld
  66. People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home –

    Dagobert D. Runes

  67. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language – Mark Twain
  68. I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine – Caskie Stinnett
  69. I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad – George Bernard Shaw
  70. Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last thirty years, many foreign people still speak foreign languages – Dave Barry
  71. There is nothing safer than flying – it’s crashing that is dangerous – Theo Cowan
  72. If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport – George Winters
  73. As I have grown older, I have needed more stars in my hotels — Anonymous
  74. I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
    Jean Kerr
  75. If you’ve seen one redwood tree, you’ve seen them all – Ronald Reagan
  76. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places – Henny Youngman
  77. Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it – Dave Barry
  78. Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equalling a hundred miles — Roseanne Barr
  79. There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home – Stephen Colbert
  80. On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing – Lewis Grizzard
  81. Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything – Steve Martin
  82. Modern traveling is not traveling at all; it is merely being sent to a place, and very little different from becoming a parcel – John Ruskin
  83. People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany. “That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’

    Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?

    – Louis C.K

  84. Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane – Jim Gaffigan
  85. There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California – Edward Abbey
  86. I had a prejudice against the British until I discovered that fifty percent of them were female – Raymond Floyd
  87. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year – Unknown
  88. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company – Mark Twain
  89. Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful – Lewis Black
  90. It’s hard man ’cause the security in the airport, customs, immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. That would be counter-productive – Russell Peters
  91. New Zealand – Only 30 Hours From New York (sign at the New Zealand Embassy in Flight of The Conchords)
  92. Lovers of air travel find it exhilarating to hang poised between the illusion of immortality and the fact of death – Alexander Chase
  93. I wish Google maps had an, ‘Avoid The Ghetto Route’ option – Unknown
  94. I kept my babies fed. I could have dumped them, but I didn’t. I decided that whatever trip I was on, they were going with me. You’re looking at a real daddy – Barry White
  95. There are two kinds of adventurers: those who go truly hoping to find adventure and those who go secretly hoping they won t. – William Trogdon
  96. I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China – unknown
  97. A passport shows government officials who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly – Daniel Handler
  98. If I was stranded on a desert island and I could only bring one thing, I would bring Dora. That girl has everything in that backpack
  99. Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers – Unknown
  100. I only travel so that I don’t run out of dinner party conversations – The Travel Tart

There you go – a list of some funny, silly and stupid travel quotes so you can waste a bit more time when you’re bored at work!

How about you? What funny travel quotes have you heard on the road? Leave a comment below with your silly travel quote and share it with the world!

About Anthony The Travel Tart

The Travel Tart writes about the funny, offbeat and weird aspects of world travel today. Travel wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously! Check out ways to say hi below or sign up for his silly newsletter!

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3 Comments

  1. March 24, 2013    

    The first quote is so true! You really get to know a person when you travel with that person.

  2. Penelope Penelope
    June 11, 2015    

    I am writing this so you will have another comment. I love LouisCK’s airline comments. You have a lot of GWBush’s comments. Are you a fan of his? Overheard in the U.S., “You went to Australia? What language do they speak?” In the U.S. some of us like to quote Sarah Palin about seeing Russia from her house, probably because there’s so little amusing here.

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