Flight Attendant Announcements – Some Funny Airline Safety Scripts We’d Love To Hear!

There’s lots of in flight safety announcements can become one and the same. But here is a list of some funny Flight Attendant Announcements and airline safety scripts we would love to hear just to make that flight a little bit more enjoyable.

An example of this is the really cool Flight Attendant Rap. I’m sure flight attendants could go that little bit further by injecting some humour and irony into their in flight safety announcements.

You probably won’t come across any of these in some of the funny Air Crash Investigation episodes (or on a Medical Repat), but maybe you could in some of the alternative airline safety cards that are floating around! And maybe in Confessions of a Hostie: True Stories of an International Flight Attendant.

Anyway, here they are:

Some Funny Flight Attendant Announcements We’d Love To Hear

• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft …”
• “Free BEER!“
• “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
• “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew who will escort you to the wing of the aircraft.”
• “If you thought that take off was bad, just wait for the landing!”
• “How do we turn left?”
• “Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
• “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
• “If you see one of the engines fall off the wing mid flight, please kindly inform one of the cabin crew.”
• “Thank you for flying with with us.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the money as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
• “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passenger leaving their seat before the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”
• “Duty free alcohol cannot be opened or consumed on the aircraft by anyone, except for the pilots.”
• “If there is a doctor on board, please identify yourself to one of the cabin crew immediately. The pilot has passed out in the front seat and no one is flying the plane.”
• “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, so I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m also switching to auto pilot. This means I can come back there and, for the remainder of the flight, go for a nap.”
• Shouting over the loudspeakers when landing: “Whoa, BIG fella …WHOA..!”
• “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children. Or adults acting like children.”
• “A warm welcome to our frequent fliers today, especially the ones that survived connecting flights to be with us today.”
• From the cockpit – the pilots singing any John Denver or Buddy Holly song (i.e. they both died in plane crashes)
• “As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do NOT leave children or spouses! Last one off the plane must clean it.”
• “Please bear with us as we try to find the cause of this delay. We will try to patch up the fault with a bit of super glue as soon as possible!”
• “You’ll be pleased to know we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry … Unfortunately none of them are on this aircraft!”
• “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to our destination. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our aircraft to the gate!”
• “If you want to join the mile high club, your liaison will be uploaded for all to see on the internet.”
• “We ask you to please remain seated whilst ‘Captain Kangaroo’ bounces us towards a terminal.”
• “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments  because, after a landing like that, sure as HELL everything has shifted.”
• “If you are seated in the emergency exit aisle, please enjoy the extra leg room as the other passengers scramble past you in the event of an emergency.”
• “If you are seated in first class, please be aware that you will be the first to perish in the event of a sudden nose dive towards the ground.”
• “Welcome aboard. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, we now suggest you think VERY seriously and rapidly decide which one you love most.”
• “Thank you for flying with us today, we hope your will is updated.”
• “Weather 27 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”
• “Today, we will be serving a meal that is actually better quality than for what you can eat at home.”
• “Thank you for flying with us and remember. Nobody loves you, or your money, more than us.”

More funny Flight Attendant Announcements

What about you? What funny flight attendant announcements have you heard on your travels? Leave a comment below and share the love!

I would think some of these should appear in Cruising Attitude: Tales of Crashpads, Crew Drama, and Crazy Passengers at 35,000 Feet.

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