Business Terminology – The Top 10 Workplace Wank Words That Make Us Want To Travel

Corporate Wank Words. Many corporations suffer from this appalling Business Terminology affliction.  Those are the ‘buzzwords’ (oh hell, even I’m infected!) that people use to make themselves sound more impressive.

You’ll hear these Wank Words produced in meetings by people wanting to make themselves sound more important than they really are. They are usually used by the Workplace Personality Types That Make You Want To Travel.

There’s a great quote in Tim Ferriss’ book, the Four Hour Work Week, which just had me in tears laughing – the quote is ‘The reason that companies have meetings is because they cannot actually masturbate themselves!’.

It’s only funny because it’s true!

But we all know these Corporate Wank Words and Business Terminology mean something else.  And here are their explanations.  Well, my explanations anyway.

HINT: If you hear all ten of these in one meeting, yell out WANK WORD BINGO! and see what happens! Also check out my travel blogger bingo cheat sheet!

Here they are:

Business Terminology – Some Annoying Business Wank Word Jargon!

Wank Word Term	Actually Means
1. Flexible Hours	You are expected to flexibly work 80+ hours per week.
2. Work/Life Balance	We’ve got the ‘Work’ part of the balance correct.  The Life Part of this equation only happens after you’re dead.
3. Low Utilisation	Means that your chargeable hours have dipped below 100% and you have to lift your game.
4. Ramp Up	We have been too busy fart arseing around that we’ve discovered that we have to dramatically increase your workload to get something finished on time.
5. On Leave	You are actually allowed to leave the office, but you must keep your mobile phone on and regularly check your work emails on your week long holiday – the only one you will have for 2 years.
6. Lessons Learnt	We keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. And you need to fix them.
7.  Weekends	Two days at the end of the working week that can often be used for working to do actual productive work because you don’t have any interruptions or annoying meetings.
8.  Sick Leave	Can be used when you are sick.  Sick means that you are hospitalised.  If you are able to visit the doctor to obtain an absence from work certificate, you are able to go to work.
9. Results Driven	You must make at least 100 times the amount of money that you are paid otherwise you’re out on the street.
10. Restructure	We’re not making the 500% profit that we needed.  We’re reorganising the organisation to give the impression management are doing something.

So there you go.

If you’re going crazy in your office cubicle, just think of these Business Terminology Wank Words and have a small chuckle to yourself.

But not too loudly, someone might think you’re having too much fun.

More Business Terminology Stuff

If you want to expand your Wank Word Vocabulary, check out Business Vocabulary in Use Advanced (Cambridge Professional English).